As a PreK Teacher we HAVE TO HELP THE CHILDREN TO THE BATHROOM.  AFTER USING THE POTTY, this one little girl stands up and says "THAT LOOKS LIKE WHAT WE ATE LAST NIGHT FOR DINNER".  (I don't want to know what that dinner was)

Dad:  How can you tell if 2 people ARE MARRIED?

Son:  Married people usually LOOK HAPPY TO TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE

My daughter rummaged through my friend's playroom while I visited with her.  Suddenly she appeared TYPING ON A KID COMPUTER AND HOLDING A CELL PHONE to her ear.  She interrupted us abruptly saying “ Excuse me...I'M IN THE BUSINESS, I HAVE TO TAKE A CONFERENCE CALL"

While checking out at a local pharmacy my DAUGHTER POINTS AT A DISPLAY on the counter and cheerily YELLS "SH*T, SH*T".   I, of course, completely ignore both my child and the look of disgust from the elderly woman behind me.  My son quickly comes to the rescue by chiming in "IF YOU KEEP SAYING SH*T, MOMMY IS GONNA SPANK YOUR ASS"

Sage advice given by my daughter that everyone should follow: "DON'T EAT ICE CREAM WHILE YOU'RE NAKED....YOU'LL GET TOO COLD"

At the Bakery getting my son's BIRTHDAY CAKE the girl at the counter asked him HOW OLD HE WAS.  My son replied "I'm 18 & an ADULT.  My younger son added, "Yeah and Mommy says HE'S A S-O-B.  I explained that my older son is CONSTANTLY TRYING TO GET PERMISSION to do things by reasoning that HE'S AN ADULT  So my response to him is that IF HE'S AN ADULT, HE NEEDS TO GET A J-O-B  (Not a S-O-B)

Three men came to our door passing out PAMPHLETS with a PICTURE OF JESUS ON THE CROSS. My younger son points to the picture asking "WHAT IS THIS?".  My older son replies confidently "It's Jesus when he REALLY DIED.  He was KILLED BY ROMANS AND SEA URCHINS. They PUT A BIRD'S NEST (crown of thorns) on his head, POKED HIM and made him get killed on that cross. Yeah, then God OPENED THE GATES OF HEAVEN, TOOK OFF HIS BIRD'S NEST and LET HIM COME IN and LIVE IN THE CLOUDS. (God bless the children, right?)

On a BUS, my daughter TOOK A CHOCOLATE BAR FROM MY PURSE and I JOKINGLY ASKED HER WHO TOOK IT?  She immediately TURNED TO THE MAN SITTING NEARBY (whom we didn’t know) and said with conviction "HE DID IT"