Son: Mom can a VENUS FLY TRAP SWALLOW ME?

Mom: No they can only SWALLOW SMALLER THINGS

Son: Like MY BABY BROTHER?

Daughter: Why were you the FIRST BORN?

Son:  Because GOD WANTED A BOY FIRST in our family then a girl, girl and girl

Daughter:  Well that's NOT RIGHT.. it' always supposed to be LADIES FIRST

While checking out at a local pharmacy my DAUGHTER POINTS AT A DISPLAY on the counter and cheerily YELLS "SH*T, SH*T".   I, of course, completely ignore both my child and the look of disgust from the elderly woman behind me.  My son quickly comes to the rescue by chiming in "IF YOU KEEP SAYING SH*T, MOMMY IS GONNA SPANK YOUR ASS"

My son often heard his Grandpa, a vet, speak of LITTERS OF NEWBORN KITTENS AND PUPPIES.  So when I took my eldest son to see his new baby brother in the HOSPITAL NURSERY WITH ALL THE OTHER NEWBORNS...his only question was "ARE ALL THESE OURS?"  (Guess he thought I had quite a litter)

Dad: Stop CLIMBING ON YOUR SISTER or you'll get a TIME OUT

Son: YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME...MOM IS

Mom: Why is your sister covered in SELSEN BLUE shampoo? 

Son: I was just trying to see if I could make her into a SMURF

Mom: STOP FIGHTING with your sister

Son: We're not fighting Mommy, we're having AGGRESSIVE NEGOTIATIONS

Son: Mommy, when will you and Daddy get married again? Mom: We're already married.  Son: Well, you can only have babies if you get married and I want a brother.